Finding the past just in time...

As you know, I found and met members of my birth family about a year ago. There have been ups and downs with different members of this family over the past year, but for most of us there is a connection we made, a bond that represents caring in a way that fills the holes we each had in our lives for different reasons.

In talking with my brother and aunt today, I learned my birth mother's cancer has spread to her spinal fluid, brain fluid, and bones. They will be trying some sort of treatment the beginning of next week, if this doesn't work or if she does not respond well there is about a three month guesstimate for her to live...

When I first heard the news, I had no reaction other than feeling sad for my brother. I know that his mother is all he really has in terms of his history, memory, and family. The rest of us care and are here for him, but I realize for him this is so very sad and scary - his memories of her are not the best, but she is his mother and he loves her.

My mom asked me how I felt, I sort of felt at the time like I felt nothing... but I am sad, not really sure why. I am glad I took the opportunity to meet my birth mother a year ago. We had our bad experience (from my perspective) but it is sad knowing that she is going to experience pain, maybe fear, and I worry most that she does not forgive herself for anything she perceives as bad in her life- she does not seem to be very forgiving of herself and that worries me for anyone facing death in close proximity. I am not sure, what if anything I should do or say as I am not a happy memory for her.

I do not understand why things happen the way they do and feel badly that I cannot help my brother deal with his sadness - I can listen and that is about it, I don't even have a lot to say... I am crying but not really sure why... I found them in time and believe that maybe I am supposed to help my brother not feel so alone - he wants to come out and visit after he has resolution about what is going to happen with his mother. I am rambling a bit... trying to process this information... she didn't raise me, but she made sure someone did... she and I did share some honest frank moments and the long awaited hug that occurred only after a three day visit... only to be followed by a horrible phone call making me think I should have left her alone... I thought I forgave her, but I think my tears are because I have to forgive her and talk to her again... for some reason, that scares me a little bit... it is easier to be mad or hurt and ignore the situation...

When did my big girl grow up and out of her mom?

Okay, I am not sure exactly when this happened, but it happened... Tyler and I went from being uber close to me being an outsider - the following pictures depict my attempt at capturing innocent footage of my Tyler in her natural habitat... a messy room on the phone and computer at the same time... She asks us to paint her walls and covers them in magazine photos... she gave me the foot - it could have been worse... I'd rather the foot than the finger. On a serious note, Tyler is doing well - enjoying her social life. In the seventh grade what is more important than girl friends and boys? School dances and the mall run her life and make it real easy to decide on consequences - nothing speaks louder about doing what you are supposed to do than the idea of "everyone" yes "everyone" but you being at the mall - I vaguely remember the idea of "everyone" which generally means at least one other person :)... There are boys in the horizon, they appear at every mall trip and call and text pretty frequently... she is pretty top secret most of the time, but we are pretty sure there isn't A boy, just many cute boys... but she did come home quite happy from the last dance - (dad was worried, I didn't really notice)... Enjoy the photos of Tyler and realize this is about what we see of her, she is a recluse unless you are 11-13, have money to give, or appear famous...Gotta love the girl... she is personality plus on her worst day and a gem on her best...

Where does the time go...?

Not really sure what has kept me busy lately - too busy to post, but nothing to really tell ... This past weekend, Dylan went to a birthday party for a friend at the park... she just LOVED the magician. I never would have guessed a magician could capture a crowd of 3-5 year olds...they giggled throughout. Dylan got to be the assistant for a trick and thoroughly enjoyed the limelight.  She is growing up so fast... Not only are my days blending together, my baby is getting grown before my eyes and I think I might be missing a few things... but I sure didn't miss the party and the hilarity of the magician through the eyes of Dylan... 

Change in title....

LOL, well apparently, some have told me they were hesitant to look at "girls, girls, girls" as others might at a glance see this as a bookmark and assume some other type of content than information about the happenings of my family...so "Kerri's Girls" it is for now...

To host or not to host the pre-teen sleep over, that is the $10 million question....

This week the answer was no... I will allow the neighbor to have that pleasure. I love my pre teen and most of her friends, but three girls for a sleep over - not gonna do it... I did host that nightmare last time and after three hours it was fights the remaining 24 hours. Same girls - and hopefully no fights this time. There are those benefits of having the kids at our house, but I think we need to share the joy... for sure on the sleep over action. Tyler has become somewhat of a recluse these days, and doesn't like her picture taken, but here are a few we snuck in because she was caught off guard (getting a pedicure with her cousin, or just hanging out with nothing better to do than play along with mom).

Dylan's First Tennis Lesson

Okay, 3 is sort of young for starting sports... but my tennis coach encouraged us to bring Dylan to the beginner tennis class this session. We asked Dylan if she wanted to be in tennis class and she was very excited - so it was a go. The kids were all a bit older/bigger, but Dylan held her own. She was a good listener and followed all the directions. Very cute. The only problem we had was when I tried to "help"... I was quickly told "I can do it myself!" and of course I went way back to the sidelines (where of course dad knew to stay all along)  to watch and take pictures... Here are some pictures of the first tennis adventure for Dylan (she is in the pink pants and striped jacket).

If life's problems could truly be solved by band aids ...

Dylan had a headache the other day, once the band-aid was firmly in place she had a smile and no more headache... I wish my headaches went away that easily. I would try, but everyone at work would then have tangible evidence that I have truly fallen off of my rocker. 

We all jumped back into our routines yesterday morning. Girls to school and me to work. (Kirk went to work, but didn't really take all that much vacation so not the same). Tyler was up at the crack of dawn (almost literally) with two alarm clocks blaring - she could not wait to slide into her new "skinny jeans" and flip flops (mind you it is Arizona but still 42 degrees in the morning...) she had a pretty pedicure that needs to be seen I suppose. Dylan needed a little prodding to get her sleepy eyes open but once she got going it was non stop talking about her friends and her excitement to see them again. I was very rested and concerned that I would get to work only to have special people bring down... I was kind of excited because I went from a size 18 to a size 14 over the break due to this new "vegetarian lifestyle" so it felt good to put on a pair of pants that fit (loosely I might add) and just feel a tad on the "hot" side.  I did my morning run to make sure I could handle the stress of the day... We all survived the first day back. I got home late but we had dinner together and got to hear the good stuff about the day: Dylan has a new friend at her school and Tyler got new seating assignments.  In talking as a family, it is funny to listen to Dylan learn from Tyler. Tyler told us all about the seating assignments and who she does and doesn't like to sit by (she likes to sit by goofy boys who tell good joke - roll of the eyes, :)) etc... then Dylan asked if it was her turn... Dylan proceeded to tell us the seating arrangement during lunch and who she likes to sit with. Tyler and I got a big kick out of the conversation. So I spared them the details of my day - the important thing was that I was home in time to make dinner and sit down with them for awhile...now we are back at it this morning for day two post vacation. I am thinking I will put a few band-aids in my pocket just in case...