Finding the past just in time...

As you know, I found and met members of my birth family about a year ago. There have been ups and downs with different members of this family over the past year, but for most of us there is a connection we made, a bond that represents caring in a way that fills the holes we each had in our lives for different reasons.

In talking with my brother and aunt today, I learned my birth mother's cancer has spread to her spinal fluid, brain fluid, and bones. They will be trying some sort of treatment the beginning of next week, if this doesn't work or if she does not respond well there is about a three month guesstimate for her to live...

When I first heard the news, I had no reaction other than feeling sad for my brother. I know that his mother is all he really has in terms of his history, memory, and family. The rest of us care and are here for him, but I realize for him this is so very sad and scary - his memories of her are not the best, but she is his mother and he loves her.

My mom asked me how I felt, I sort of felt at the time like I felt nothing... but I am sad, not really sure why. I am glad I took the opportunity to meet my birth mother a year ago. We had our bad experience (from my perspective) but it is sad knowing that she is going to experience pain, maybe fear, and I worry most that she does not forgive herself for anything she perceives as bad in her life- she does not seem to be very forgiving of herself and that worries me for anyone facing death in close proximity. I am not sure, what if anything I should do or say as I am not a happy memory for her.

I do not understand why things happen the way they do and feel badly that I cannot help my brother deal with his sadness - I can listen and that is about it, I don't even have a lot to say... I am crying but not really sure why... I found them in time and believe that maybe I am supposed to help my brother not feel so alone - he wants to come out and visit after he has resolution about what is going to happen with his mother. I am rambling a bit... trying to process this information... she didn't raise me, but she made sure someone did... she and I did share some honest frank moments and the long awaited hug that occurred only after a three day visit... only to be followed by a horrible phone call making me think I should have left her alone... I thought I forgave her, but I think my tears are because I have to forgive her and talk to her again... for some reason, that scares me a little bit... it is easier to be mad or hurt and ignore the situation...